www.neminat.com Third Edition
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* * * * * * * * * * by Vilia
Kinell Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10
© - 2007 Vilia Kinell, all rights
reserved.
Disclaimer: None needed – These people are still mine. Remember the shovel? If not, don't borrow without asking. ;-) Violence/Drugs/Alcohol/Illegal Stuff Warning: Mentions of a fight, there’s some blood in relation to said fight and there is medical use of drugs as a result of said fight. Some drinking but no one’s passing out this time. There are some not so legal activities going on in this one. Hurt/Comfort: Not really, but some say so. Language: Yes, without it we fail to communicate and express ourselves. Swearing occurs. Sex: This is Alternative Fiction, meaning physical expression of love between two adult, consenting women is depicted, hinted at and/or punned with. If this is illegal where you are or you are under the age of eighteen (18), please grow up, move and come back later. If it just flat out offends you – Go away. Thanks: My Beta Beanie! What would my stories be without your fine-tuned eyes and mind? Notes: This is Part 2 in my Trial & Retribution Series and I strongly suggest you read them in order. I do not give out roadmaps. Comments and/or feedback: vilia@stockholm.com
Oh, how I did not like this at all… Just knowing what the nurse was doing to my hand was enough to make me queasy and the morphine certainly didn’t help! Being the evil, cruel fate I was always subjected to, it had of course been a saltshaker… Couldn’t have been the sugar dispenser or a regular glass… no… It had to be the saltshaker! I can’t even begin to describe how I felt lying on the floor in the diner. The cuts were one thing. I could always handle pain fairly well, and to be honest I think I was in a bit of a shock at the time so I didn’t really feel the cuts themselves. I saw the gashes and the blood and knew there was trouble, but nothing, I tell you – NOTHING, could have dulled the absolute sheer agony of having the salt in my wounds. It felt like my entire arm had been chopped off and thrown in an incinerator! I was sure I was covered in hot wax or that Ruby had thrown a candle at me and my clothes had caught on fire. It was torture and suffering and woe and misery all rolled up into one and to think it was due to a million small pieces of white grains that could be traveling with my blood throughout my body was almost ludicrous. I mean salt! Come on!! It’s among one of those things you learn as a kid, isn’t it? Scrape your knee, temporary pain, someone kisses it better, pain is gone. Break your arm, hurts like hell, but you can manage. Fall out of a tree; you get your wind knocked out of you and you feel like you’ll never breathe again. A single grain of salt in a wound and the world might be ending for all you know… They had given me some local something that dulled the pain from the glass shards, but the salt was in my system. I don’t know if it was just my imagination or not but I could take an oath in court that I felt the burning tingle all the way down in my toes. Having the glass taken out had been less of a stress than the salt… I learned a valuable lesson that day, forget running with scissors - never run with saltshakers! All I wanted right now was to go home. I couldn’t look at what the nurse was doing. The sight of blood never sat easy with me in the first place, least of all if it was my own, but stitches were something else! I shudder just to think about it! I looked up and saw Syd standing just outside the curtain. I wanted to feel her next to me and reached for her to come over. I took her hand in my uninjured one and squeezed a little to relieve the tension that was building up. She put her arm around me and leaned her chin on my shoulder. “You’ll be done and out of here soon,” she replied. I gave a hint of a smile at that and sighed a little. “That’ll teach you for getting involved with crazy people,” she tried and successfully made my smile a little bigger. She always seemed to know just what to say to make me feel better. “How’s Ruby?” I asked, hoping my disliking of her didn’t shine through too much. “She’s okay. A little panicky, but okay.” “Good.” I really didn’t think that, but Syd didn’t need to know that right now. She threaded her fingers through my hair and asked, “Why? She hurt you.” “She didn’t mean to.” No, she was going after Ginger… That’s a whole lot better, isn’t it!? “I’m not all too happy about this,” Syd said. I almost said something I’d probably regret later but managed to state at least some sort of a half truth. “Neither am I but she doesn’t need me being angry with her.” Point in fact, I was furious with Ruby. “You’re a bigger person than me…” Not by much, I thought but said nothing. I noticed something around her neck. “Hey, are you wearing a collar?” Her hand went to the item in question and she smiled. “Yeah. Birthday present from Ruby. She gave it to me as they were taking care of your hand in the diner.” I was a little shocked that Ruby had taken that precise moment in time to give Syd a present but I was more surprised by what it was. “And you’re wearing it!” “I lost a bet, get over it.” It wasn’t like I was going to question her more about it but her apparent reluctance to talk about it made me wonder what the bet had really been about and how she lost it. She didn’t seem to mind wearing the thing but obviously didn’t like the reason why. The nurse dried off my hand and the skin stretched enough to let a throbbing break through the local. I hissed in pain but the nurse didn’t seem to care. She proceeded to prepare the various items she would use to stitch me up and I looked on in dismay. Getting the glass out and washing the cuts had been one thing, but I couldn’t imagine just sitting there as someone literally pushed a foreign object through my skin and leaving it there. “You saved my life, you know...” Syd said quietly and I was endlessly grateful for the distraction although I didn’t quite see how anyone had been in any real danger at the diner. Well, in hindsight – anyone besides me. “How’d I manage that?” I scoffed, looking forward to hearing her spin some tale out of the ordeal. “You carried me out of that 'place'…” I tried turning my head so I could look at her but since her face was only inches from mine I didn’t see much. What place was she talking about? I hadn’t been in much of a state to carry anyone out of the diner so that couldn’t be it. “You mean Oakshire?” I said after playing a quick game of exclusion. There were only so many times I had carried her at all, let alone in order to save her life. She nodded. “Yeah.” “So if I hadn't someone else would've,” I shrugged, immediately wishing I hadn’t as the movement jerked my hand and I could feel the nurse’s grip on it. She drew in a deep breath as if gathering courage and that peaked my interest. “I don't think I would have let them… I wasn't there as a volunteer...” I had to look at her then so I leaned away and forced her head off my shoulder. “O-kay...” I said slowly, pleased by being able to watch her intently. She looked insecure and I wanted to give her a hug and say that whatever she had to say would be okay. It couldn’t be that bad, could it? The way she had talked, or not talked, about Oakshire had made me curious as to why she suddenly had stopped volunteering there. Now that she said she hadn’t I was reminded about a thought I had had several weeks ago. I had wanted to study her tattoos and she had been hesitant to show them to me. She did, in the end, and that’s when I saw the hint of what could have been scars. “I was forcibly committed by my parents,” she said and the pieces slowly fell into place for me. I wanted to know more before doing anything at all so I nudged her playfully in the ribs with my elbow. “Ouch... What for? You seem normal to me!” She looked away from me. I tried to get her to look me in the eye, but she wouldn’t. She looked everywhere but at me. “I, uh...” she began and paused. Then blurted out faster than I could think, “I tried to kill myself.” She looked relieved at that suddenly and she sought out my gaze as if trying to interpret my reaction. I can’t say I was completely surprised. The lines I had seen within the tattoos had been scars after all. I mentally tried to map out all that had happened since we first met. I couldn’t really pinpoint her in the blur of people I had rescued from the fire that day, though I had tried many times. It was always the image of her introducing herself to me in the hospital that was my ‘first’ memory of her. Then that horrible thing that led us to the diner and then the movies. If I could take that back I would! The thing in the alley, that is. Not the lunch! To me, Syd had never seemed quite the type who would want to kill herself, if you are to be crude and put people in categories. I didn’t know anyone who had attempted suicide, to my knowledge, so I guess my understanding of the situation wasn’t optimal but Syd had always seemed happy and content about pretty much everything. Never appearing to feel down or sad, except for the time she told me about her friend Erin dying in the fire… That had been heart wrenching to see. How could this outwardly happy person have been so tormented about something so recent to now that she wanted the permanent exit? Or should the question perhaps be formulated the other way around? How could such a sad, lonely and depressed person suddenly be so care free?? Assuming that she was ‘sad, lonely and depressed’, that is… I took in then that I really knew nothing about her at all, realizing that I very much wanted to. I wanted to get her to talk but didn’t know how so unfortunately my suddenly limited vocabulary took over, “You what?” “Several times,” she continued. “I nearly made it the last time.” I could just stare at her. I glanced momentarily at the nurse to see if she was listening but returned my focus on Syd without really registering if the nurse had been distracted or not. She shifted on the bed, drawing one leg up beneath the other and faced me. She studied her tattoos for a moment then showed them to me. “I'm sort of surprised you haven't asked about these...” We both knew she was referring to the scars. “I was waiting for you to tell me. I wasn't sure so I didn't want to assume...” I said. She looked back into my eyes. “Really?” “I figured you covered them up because you didn't want people to see them...” I said, wanting her to go on. “I did. They usually scare people…” She seemed to lose herself in her thoughts for a moment as she looked at her wrists. “It's not the scars that scare; it's the reasons behind them,” I said and brushed her cheek before letting my hand drop to one of her wrists. I caressed her pulse point with my thumb and studied the image embedded there. “People don't know how to cope.” “Do they scare you?” I looked up at her. “Should they?” “I don't think so.” “Then they don't.” It was a simple truth. I figured if Syd still had any desire to end her life, she would have done so by now. I could only hope she was feeling better now. But that sounded cold. Selfish, even. What if she wasn't? It occurred to me how all this information went in one ear and out the other. I wondered if this is how it was to live in the moment. Just accepting things for what they are, not thinking about the past or the future, just being in the here and now. Normally, wouldn’t I have hightailed it out of there the second I saw those scars? Wouldn’t I have fled the field at the first sign of trouble? What was it about Syd that made me want to stick around? Granted, right this very second someone was putting stitches in my hand so I couldn’t very well run away but why had I asked her to lunch that day? Was it guilt for trying to rob her? I hadn’t thought about her since the day of the fire so my reaction to her was more than a little out of character for me. Syd broke into my thoughts, “What if I told you they should?” “Then they would,” I said simply. “Why?” “Because to me, that would be you asking me for help, and I don't know if I would be the go-to person for that...” I shrugged but was careful not to move my left shoulder. I rested my eyes on what was going on with my hand. The nurse looked to be halfway done with the sutures and I was amazed at that! Talk about an efficient distraction! I hadn’t felt a thing or hardly thought about it at all. Then maybe, I thought, the whole thing with the hand might be what’s distracting me from our conversation… I was taking all this way too calmly! “Would it bother you?” Syd let her knuckles stroke my forearm lightly; not really demanding eye contact but she got it anyway. “Define 'it',” I said, not sure where to put my full attention now that I had been reminded of what was going on with the cuts. “If I asked you for help and you didn't know what to do.” Was she asking for help? I really didn’t know at this point. It didn’t appear like she was but what if? Best to be frank, I thought. “I'd feel honored that you came to me of all people, but it would scare me senseless not knowing what to do.” She nodded and smiled, “Then you can feel proud now and forget about being scared.” Proud?! Why should I feel proud? As if she had read my mind, she said, “You’ve already helped me. More than you’ll know.” “I don't know about feeling proud...” I said, looking briefly to the nurse again. “I don't know what I did.” She took my hand. “You don't have to.” “What if I need to do it again!?” I asked incredulously. She squeezed my hand. “You won’t have to.” I hoped that meant what I thought it meant. “Do you really mean that?” “Completely.” “…As in never...?” It was barely a whisper. “Not Ever!” she assured. “Thank you for telling me.” “Thank you for not running away,” she said and paused. “There is… one more thing...” What could she possibly have to add to all this? I wondered. “Whatever it is... You can tell me anything… Sydney...”
I wasn’t pacing… that wouldn’t accurately describe what I was doing. I was… standing still and then I’d walk for a bit and come to a standstill again. It looked like pacing, but I swear to you that it wasn’t! The nurse was more or less following me around trying to get a hold of my injured hand but she had yet been unsuccessful. I could feel my lips moving, so I knew I was talking… or yelling. Yeah, I was probably yelling at this point. The reason I don’t know for sure is that I had jumped off the gurney so fast I had almost knocked the nurse off her stool and scared Syd… no… that would be ‘Erin’, wouldn’t it… half to death. I briefly wondered at that time what would happen if you scared someone half to death twice… There was a lot of things going on in my head right then so I really didn’t pay that much attention to what I was doing. Call it auto-pilot or whatever – I was on it! It seemed as if ‘Erin’ had lost her hearing too because it didn’t look like she was hearing a word I was saying. Pity, really. Guess we’ll have to ask the nurse later what really went on. A small group of people had gathered around us and it took a total of three nurses to catch me as I moved around the small area. They threatened to use some sort of muscle relaxant if I didn’t calm down and let them fix up my hand in peace and as I reluctantly sat down on the gurney again I did my best to shoot daggers at ‘Erin’. I wanted her to feel very, very small… “You lied to me,” I heard myself say when sound was finally something my mind could process again. I didn’t fully know or understand why she had done what she did so an explanation was going to be interesting to say the least. “I didn’t mean to… or, I did, but not in that way. It’s not what you think.” “I don’t need to think. You lied, end of story!” I said, almost off the gurney again and one of the nurses that had gotten me to sit down before asked my supposed girlfriend to leave. “No! I have to explain this, please!” She turned back to me after forcing her way past the large man. “Please, just let me try… If you want to leave after that, go ahead. I won’t stop you.” Damn, it hurt to hear her say that! I couldn’t decipher what her thoughts were but decided to cease fire with the daggers... I was fuming and confused but it was awfully clear that she wanted to enlighten me of something. “What I told you that day… when I broke down and cried… I wasn’t lying, but I let it become a lie by not telling you all there was to know about the situation. Erin Greene did die in that fire as far as anyone knew. It became a lie to you the second I didn’t tell you that ‘Erin’ was really me.” There was an odd sense of logic behind that, I thought and I prayed I wouldn’t lose the thread. “I had to get away from there. I didn’t think. It just happened. I never wanted to lie to you!” “Great. Is that supposed to make it feel better? You didn’t want to but you did anyway?” She hesitated before whispering a “Yes.” “Why didn’t you just tell me?” “I, I don’t know.” “Yes you do! Don’t give me that crap!” The whole time up until now she had at least dignified me by looking at me. Now she averted her eyes and sort of began hugging herself. She was backing away slightly and apparently looking for an exit other than that of the corridor that would lead her out of the hospital. I had to give her credit for not just leaving. “Look at me!” She didn’t. She winced instead. “Syd… I mean Erin… Just… what the hell!!?” I hate it when I don’t know what to say! “I didn’t want this to happen!” she finally said, still not meeting my stare. “What? Me being angry with you?” She looked in my general direction but didn’t let her eyes stay for long. “Well, yeah…” “So you took away my choice in the matter… What the hell good did that do?” She didn’t say anything. “Let me tell you something. I get it. I get you! Why you didn’t tell me... You didn’t trust me, did you?” It was hard to see, but she shook her head in agreement. “You know, if you had just told me from the get go, I might not have cared…” I laughed sardonically. “Hell, you think what you did was that bad? I grew up with CJ, for god’s sake!” There were plenty of things you could accuse my brother of but dishonesty was unheard of. I don’t know if his whole ‘honor amongst thieves’ motto had rubbed off on me or if I just hated not being trusted when I had done nothing to warrant such a lack of confidence. No, it wasn’t the lie that hurt. It was the distrust. “Two months, Syd… I thought you knew me better than that.” Ah! Wrong name again! “What do I call you from now on? Who’s this Syd person anyway?” “Can’t we talk about that in a more private setting?” she asked and warily watched the group of patients and nurses that had formed a small audience to our ruckus. “And call me Erin…” she pleaded apologetically. She still didn’t look at me. That hurt... I needed time to think. Get this thing straight. Figure out where the hell we stood and where all of this was going. “I’m not too sure I want to be talking with you at all,” I said, only half-aware of the words and definitely not approving of them. But it was too late to take them back. She finally looked at me. Her eyes widened in what appeared to be shock. “Don’t do this.” “I think I’d like you to leave now.” I had to struggle very hard to calmly sit back down on the gurney. Some of the people in the cramped space began to move but I didn’t care where to or why. I was loosely aware of a hand on my arm, but it wasn’t restraining me like before. Instead it seemed to be placed there as a gesture of support but I really couldn’t have found solace in that even if I had tried. Truth of the matter was – I didn’t want to either. “Alley… Please, don’t shut me out.” She stepped a little closer with her hands reaching out to me but this time I looked away. “You’ve done a pretty good job at that by yourself…” I let her stew for a while. “Erin.” I could see the look of devastation in her face out of the corner of my eye and I can’t recall a time when I had ever given anyone such a sad expression in my life. I felt horrible. Like a monster. But I’d be damned if I let her see me cry over this! Two of the nurses offered to escort her out of the ER and I let them do it. Two damn months and I couldn’t have picked her out of a lineup if my life depended on it. How could I have misjudged her so completely? Had I misjudged her? I watched her retreating back and felt as if I didn’t even know her. She sort of looked like someone I had once called a friend. Someone who had been a friend. But five minutes ago seemed so far away. It felt like an eternity ago. The further down the corridor she moved the greater the hole within me grew. She was more than a friend. So much more… And I hated her for making me feel like this.
* * *
It was late Thursday night, well past ten, and I had been on the couch since noon. I was stiff and my back hurt, but it paled in comparison to my rigid emotions and wounded heart. Yup. I’m sap. I know it. No need to tell me, thankyouverymuch. It had been four days since the day in the hospital and after they finished with me I had run crying to my brother like the baby I was. He had said, “At least she told you,” and then sent me to Ava when his so called help hadn’t been enough to get me in a better mood. After Ava’s response to CJ asking her to marry him, I wasn’t entirely sure these people were the ones to talk to, but they had, after all, made up and gotten engaged… Thanks to me, I might add… Seemed I was living in a world of contradictions with first being a peacemaker and then being the one who breaks up… Well, breaking up might be a bit strong. I had only said I didn’t want to talk to her… That’s not the same thing, right? Well, is it? Oh, crap… Ava had been sitting on the coffee table for about an hour, legs crossed with her hands folded in her lap, waiting for me to say something. She was a very patient woman and often relied on the ‘uncomfortable silence’ technique to get people to talk. I knew that was what she had been trying to do to me on several occasions during the last couple of days but I hadn’t given in to it yet. She now seemed to be fed up so she tried a different approach. She was blunt! She was also brief and to the point with a knack for asking just the right questions to get your mind spinning. She would have made a good shrink! “Why did she try to kill herself?” I'd been kicking myself a couple of times for telling Ava the whole situation since I had come to stay here. Both because she wouldn't leave me alone and because it somehow made me feel like I had broken a confidence. Deep down inside I knew that I needed whatever wisdom she could spare, but we don’t admit that very often to ourselves, do we? Or to others, for that matter. I knew what she was doing, just as I knew how she intended to do it. She would get me to pose relevant questions to myself by avoiding hers. “I dunno,” I said, not having the energy to argue and quite honestly, not the will. “I beg your pardon?” She had heard me. I knew she had and she knew that I knew that she had. There was nothing wrong with her hearing, whatsoever... It was just her way of hammering my own lack of knowledge into my head. Once she was in this frame of mind, there really wasn’t much else to do than to just play along. I had learned that several years ago but I still felt the uneasiness of giving up my resolve. I would, eventually, because I had identified that as my best way out but that didn’t mean I had to like it. “I said I don’t know!” I repeated, knowing exactly what the next word out of her mouth would be. I even mouthed them as she said them. “Don’t you think you should?” She caught my joking mock and smiled gently, urging me to sit up from my reclined position. I clearly wasn’t getting anywhere on my own and a little outside advice couldn’t possibly hurt more than what I was already going through. By not seeing Sy… Erin, I had noticed myself to be in a very gloomy place. Mentally, that is. Contrary to popular belief, the sun doesn’t stop shining just because you’re upset. I was rudely reminded of that by my loving brother as he asked, “Can you say God Complex?” Could have fooled me! And if you say, “Every cloud has a silver lining,” I might just try and… Insert sigh here… See? I’m even feeling too weary to physically sigh so I’m relying on thoughts. When did I become such a mushball? But I digress. Of course Ava was right. She always was. Except that one time about the engagement… I had just thrown up the walls around me because of that really kind of small and insignificant thing and I hadn’t had a thought about how all of this was affecting… ‘Erin’. Getting her name right would be an adjustment. I’m guessing Ava saw my mind wandering and assumed that in my silence to her I had come to a sort of conclusion, because she smiled softly. As she stood up and left the room I stayed put, twirling a piece of lint between my fingertips as I thought about her spending an hour in resigned wait only to turn my mind around with two simple questions.
I was sitting on the edge of my bed when CJ came over. I hadn’t seen him in several weeks and he had an odd look on his face. He said for me to get my things. That we were leaving… At first I didn’t want to. I hugged the stuffed animal close to my chest and looked at my feet. If I stayed here long enough, things would be alright. They’d go back to normal. She’d come back and everything would be fine. My older brother came closer and kneeled in front of me on the floor, repeating again that we had to go. I didn’t want him to see that I had been crying. He lifted my chin with his large hand to make me look at him but I shrugged it off and hugged my teddy bear tighter. “Honey, it wasn’t your fault,” he said with a softer voice than I could ever remember hearing him use. “I know you think that, but it’s not, okay?” He stroked my cheek and gently tugged at the braid falling over my shoulder. “It’s not,” he said again. I didn’t need to think anything. I knew. She was gone and it was my fault. She had left because I told her to. Because I had gotten mad over something trivial and verbally thrown her out of my life, wishing her ‘not here’. I had told her to leave and she did... I was eleven and my mother had just picked up her life and left me out of it.
* * *
Every time my phone rang, I jumped. I wouldn’t say I hoped it was her, but I was a little disappointed each time I found that it wasn’t. Not that I’d know what to say if it ever was. Would it be ‘sorry, let’s try again’ or ‘don’t ever call me again’? Reality was that I didn’t know. Up until two weeks ago, those questions had only been in regards to my mother. I had more or less settled with the idea that I’d never see her again and I had convinced myself that this was for the best. I didn’t want someone in my life who didn’t want me in return. She clearly didn’t so why should I disillusion myself by thinking maybe… one day… when I was certain she would never return; at least not for me. It pained me that this same feeling now applied to another person as well. I had told this person I loved her. Maybe not in so many words, but I think she got the message. God knows how, but I had let down my guard and allowed her in. And I really did love her then… I don’t know if it was because of her way of breaking through with her stories and jokes or if I had just tired of being alone. Something about her made me whoop inside every time I saw her. For me being simply glad to see her and feeling a bizarre sense of home… For years I had felt nothing but a storm inside of me. In the beginning it ruled every fibre of my being and got me expelled from school on a number of occasions but somehow, in time, I tamed it and then it didn’t frighten me anymore. It became my fort, my wall to the outside world so that nothing could get in. Nothing could hurt me and nothing could scare me. But she got in. And she did scare me. I knew I was being ridiculous. I argued with myself that it was she who had landed us in this mess and it was her distrust of me that had resulted in our current situation. Another part of me reminded me that her lack of reliance on me was well-founded. Had she not after all built up the courage to tell me something she without a doubt had a good reason to hide? Had she not come to me with potentially harmful information? Had she not finally, truly trusted me? And what did I do? Stuck her in a jar and chucked it out the window. It was all I could do to hope the container hadn’t shattered as it landed… Thing about trust is – you’ve got to give a little to get a little. I had failed at both so I figured I could only improve from now on! That gave me some motivation. With a heavy conscience I mulled over my options and with Ava’s help I had concluded that I probably should at least talk to her again. But what the hell would I say?
* * *
Regardless of my previous indecision, I was on a mission. I was going to make clear to S… Erin… that I knew I had been wrong back in the hospital and that I was sorry. I had been a jerk and I was sorry. I knew nothing about her and had no right to judge her. And I was sorry. It wouldn’t be that hard. If only I knew where to find her… I had spent all day calling her from different numbers. I used my private phone, my work phone, every payphone I passed on my way over to her school where I tried calling her from the teacher’s lounge. I thought that maybe when she saw the number she’d think it was about a class or something. Do not ask me how I got in there! While I was there I tried finding her classroom but to no avail. I couldn’t remember her real last name and the dean said he couldn’t help without it. I asked a few people I ran into but the school was too big and blonde hair and green eyes a way too common appearance. Something sounded familiar about that, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I went by her place, again trying every payphone I passed, stopping at the café where she worked on my way up to her apartment, but they hadn’t seen her for a few days. No one answered the door when I knocked. I surprised myself by actually calling her Erin as I tried shouting through the door, hoping if she was home that she’d at least know I was willing to try. My search wasn’t going well so I went to the Grill. I was pleased to see Ginger back in her old form. Not that Ruby had actually managed any harm to her but I felt relieved anyway. She told me the cops had come to take Ruby away after the incident and that Erin had apologized for the girl’s behavior after they drove off with her. Why didn’t she tell me Ruby had been arrested? She had obviously known that in the hospital and we did talk about Ruby before I went ape… I continued to listen to listen to Ginger, but she didn’t have much to add. Only that she hoped to see us both in for lunch again soon. “And you tell that child that she’s barred from here if you see her again,” she said as I turned to leave. Turns out I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like the kid. I was really just relieved Ginger didn’t seem to resent either me or Erin for having brought Ruby in to begin with. Huh. Imagine that. I called her Erin again without thinking about it. Visiting all the places I knew she liked and not finding as much of a trace of her I soon realized that I would probably have to find Ruby and ask if she knew where she was. That wasn’t a meeting I was overly happy about but I was growing restless and very worried. It was all I could feel at the moment. What if she had tried to do something stupid again? Hurt herself… or worse? Maybe I was flattering myself, but if anything happened to her because of what I did... I pushed that thought out of my mind. I had to find her. The only reason I hadn’t already tried to find Ruby was that if I thought looking for Erin was like finding a needle in a haystack… finding a girl I didn’t even know would be impossible. But, my talk with Ginger had offered an opening. If the kid had been arrested, there would be a record. And those things can be highly informative…
* * *
“CJ? Where are you?” I yelled as I entered his and Ava’s apartment, my temporary home as I couldn’t bare the sight of my place without a certain blonde present at this moment. “In here,” came a voice from the living room. “What’s up?” he said as I joined him there. “I need your help with something. Can you get into the city’s internal security grid for me?” My brother looked wide-eyed at me and nudged the door to the adjoining bedroom closed and motioned for us to go into the kitchen instead. “Ava?” I presumed and he nodded and said she was taking a nap. Lucky me, I thought. If she had heard what I had just said she would have my head on a platter and serve it to CJ for breakfast. This was the very reason she had broken up with him for. He was a hacker and his specialty was making ‘smaller’ charges disappear in exchange for a ‘smaller’ sum of cash. Don’t give me that look! He has morals! They’re just… fuzzy… We sat down at the table and he studied me as if I were an alien. “Can you?” I asked when he didn’t answer. “Uh, yeah… Sorry, you gotta understand you sort of dropped a bomb on me with that one. Since when do you care about what I can do?” “Since I need to find someone.” He put on a quizzical face, waiting for me to clue him in on the joke. “You’re serious?” A single eyebrow raised high on his forehead when I remained resolute. An image of me at age five came to mind. I had desperately tried to mimic the motion and as any parent with a camcorder – my mother had secretly filmed me as I practiced in the mirror. As I grew older and used the expression more often CJ took it upon himself to show the clip. Complete with the hero-worshiping song I had made up and was presently singing on the tape. Silly text, ‘If I could be like CJ, my big, strong older brother... yada yada, something or other…’ I was seventeen and had never been more embarrassed in my life. Need I tell you that this was during the very last party I ever hosted when he wasn’t out of town? The actual existence of the tape was one of the very few things I could presently thank my mother for. She had been a good mother, before she took off. Dad had gone years before that. CJ and Ava managed to get custody of me, despite CJ only being twenty years old at the time. They were the only family I had. I had already told him all I knew about Ruby after the incident at the diner so I proceeded straight to saying, “I need to talk to her. She was arrested. You will find her in the system.” It wasn’t a question whether he could or not. He simply would and that was that. He didn’t quite see it that way, but trust me – you haven’t lived until you’ve seen me wrap him around my little finger like only a baby sister could. It took him a few short moments to get into the protected files regarding Ruby. With the time, date and location, she was easy to find. And so was her address. I was grateful to hear that she had been released into the custody of her parents so all I had to do was go to their house to find her. I thought about asking CJ to take a look at the patient records at Oakshire, but what was he supposed to find there? Contact information for Erin’s folks? What good would that do? She’d hardly go running to them, would she? Nah… Too far fetched, I decided. She didn’t like them so why go there now? Did they even know she was alive?? I let CJ get on with covering his tracks once he had what I needed.
With Ruby’s address in my pocket, and also memorized, I set off to find her. I hailed a cab and found myself close to a park as it came to a stop some distance from my intended destination. Couldn’t risk having her see me and take off, which I was sure she would, given the chance. I would! The driver overcharged me so I nixed his tip and figured we’d be even. He tried to come after me, the cocky runt, but he couldn’t leave the vehicle so I just kept on walking as if nothing had happened. The sense of control instilled in me might have been tiny, but it helped my mood along and I had a feeling I was going to need all the power I could dig up in order to get Ruby talking. I heard a string of profanities follow me before the angry sound of a slamming car door put a stop to them. It was getting late and I felt positive somebody would be home. It was well after school hours and most likely dinnertime, judging by my own hunger. When I found the house I quickly ducked behind a tree as people were moving around inside and I was close enough to be seen if they happened to look outside. It had been years since I last did any kind of spying, be it playing as a child or stalking an ex as a teenager. I was getting rusty! I looked around to see if anyone had seen my sudden jump behind the elm but no one was out. Suburbia Hell, I figured and imagined all the families sharing the same schedule. If they were having dinner in one house, so was everybody else on the street. I felt ridiculous, sneaking from my poor hiding place and across their front lawn. I peeked in a window and saw presumably the mom and dad. There was a dog stretched out on the floor and the table was set for four. So she has a sibling… I thought a moment before quietly laughing at my madness. What the hell am I doing!? I snuck around the house into the backyard, confident in my movements as the dog had been inside. I was already by the next window when I thought of the possibility of both a doggie door and another dog or twelve. For all I knew, these people could be running a kennel. I blocked that thought out and peeked inside. If I get arrested… I never got to finish the speculation as two people came down the flight of stairs that were barely in view from this angle. But one of them was indeed Ruby. They seemed to be headed toward the dining area so I crouched and moved across the patio to the other side of the house. Large glass doors proved an excellent view into the house. I tried them and found they were unlocked. I weighed my options briefly then slid silently inside, pushing the doors closed behind me. I looked for the dog and somewhat expected it to come running but it didn’t. Alert with all systems on go, I hugged a wall and made my way into the home. I heard voices and clatter from the family coming from the left and as I rounded a corner I saw the dog, still stretched out on the floor, not moving. Some watchdog you are, I shook my head. The family was just on the other side of the wall. Without a sound I sneaked to the bottom of the stairs, appreciative of the wall to wall carpeting. With a silent prayer against noisy steps, I made it up on the second floor. My mind caught up with me and I once again wondered what in the world I was doing here as I stood on the landing looking at my surroundings. But there wasn’t time for analysis at the moment so my only guess was that I just didn’t want a confrontation with the parents. The way I was going about this, however, pretty much paved the way for a confrontation of a slightly worse caliber, with the brothers in blue… Oh well, I thought, I made it this far without thinking. Why start now? The first room I checked appeared to be the master bedroom. Nice room, actually. It seemed to have been decorated by a professional. The second room looked more like a guest room. Not at all as furnished or welcoming. There were three doors left. I guessed at least one would be a bathroom. I was right. The other two rooms both held that indefinable aura about them that they were inhabited by people in a time of change. There were some stuffed animals together with fashion magazines and toys together with makeup. I had a look around and it was the last visited room I decided was Ruby’s. In the first there had been nothing I even remotely recognized but in this one, a top hung loosely over the back of a chair and it looked exactly like the one Ruby had worn on Erin’s birthday. Was that even her birthday? Probably was, but I made a mental note to ask just in case. I looked around some more and found a diary. Somehow, Ruby didn’t strike me as someone who would leave her innermost thoughts out in the open. Almost certainly it was a fake. It was a clever trick most parents hadn’t figured out yet. Keep a real one – hide it. Keep a fake one – leave it out for anyone to see. Put all your light and fluffy thoughts in the fake one and protect what’s really going on with you in the hidden one. Parents thinking they had one up on their kids when they sneaked a peek in the precious journal had no idea they were being conned. I had used that technique myself. I kept an ear out for anyone coming up the stairs as I went on looking through the room. I didn’t really search for anything, but something sat uneasy with me about this kid. At first she had seemed almost like an old friend, wise beyond her years and very relatable. Then something would click and she was changed into something unpleasant and almost chilling, like in the diner. I had spent a lot of time this week thinking about her and her relationship to Erin. I remembered what she had let slip and how nervous she had been about uncovering her friend’s true identity. It was almost as if she was two people, one good and one bad. Well, insane more than bad, I guess. There was a stack of photos laying on the desk and I looked through them briefly. Don’t know why, but I just wanted to. What I found made my heart lurch. A photo of Sydney… Wait a minute! So I can call her Erin when I’m just thinking about her, but not when I actually see her? That’s odd. I held on to that one photo and put the rest back where I found them. I regarded it and found my fingers traveling over her features. It was taken outside with the evening sun glistening on her skin and making her hair look almost red. She had a yellow sweater on and her eyes sparkled enough to rival fireflies. She was laughing. “You can keep that if you want,” I heard a voice say from the door. I spun around and nearly dropped the photograph. Ruby stood leaning on the doorframe, watching me. She didn’t seem surprised to see me there although by all accounts she should be. She looked out in the hallway suddenly and stepped into the room and closed the door, leaning back on it as it clicked shut. She waited as footsteps passed on the outside and a door closed before music was put on in another room. She came toward me. “What are you doing here?” This is where I wished I could just rewind time and make my head listen to the Clever Voice as opposed to the Idiot that too often drove my actions. I should have just rung the doorbell like a normal person. Or called. That could have worked too. “I’m looking for her,” I said and held up the picture. “Do you know where she is?” “You don’t?” “Would I ask if I did?” “I don’t know you well enough to make that assumption,” she said and looked at me blankly, her face not betraying a single emotion. “Okay. How about ‘have you seen her’ then?” I tried. She went over to her desk and sat down, apparently checking if all her things were still there. “No.” “Have you talked to her?” “Look, whatever the problem is between you two, it’s hardly my business,” she said and turned to me in the chair. “If you can’t find her, that’s a hitch in your communication, not mine.” This was true. I hated that I had been caught snooping but it hardly seemed to bother Ruby. I knew nothing of her medical history, but maybe split personality disorder, or whatever you call it, was something she had. This wasn’t the same Ruby that had had a nervous fit in Erin’s apartment and it wasn’t the maniac in the diner. “I’m guessing she finally told you?” she said matter-of-factly. A reprimand from this kid was the last thing I wanted, but considering my reaction to what Erin had told me, I deserved it. It took a while for the penny to drop, but I finally grasped that Erin telling me meant that she actually did trust me… And I had shot her down... Some friend I am, huh…? “Yes, she did.” I waited for Ruby to tell me just what a piece of shit I was, but she didn’t. Not one to consciously seek out punishment when it was due, I continued, “I’ve asked around and no one has seen her for days. I just want to know where she could have gone.” “I can’t tell you that.” “Can’t or won’t?” “Can’t. I don’t know where she is and I haven’t talked to her. Last time I saw her was at the diner.” Her eyes moved. “How’s your hand?” “Fine.” She nodded, probably getting that I wouldn’t tell her if it wasn’t. “You should go,” she said. “My parents are in the living room. I trust you can let yourself out without disturbing them?” I nodded. “Thanks,” I said, indicating the photo and headed to the door. With my hand on the doorknob I said, “You really haven’t talked to her?” I found it hard to believe, but had a feeling she was telling the truth. “No, I haven’t.” She didn’t look up and I left her at that.
I was out in the backyard again when I heard it. An odd wailing that I knew I had heard before, but couldn’t quite place. Someone was singing out of tune. And by the sound of it, the music accompanying the disgraceful tones wasn’t much better. A very small voice in me whispered a possibility that made me stop dead in my tracks. It couldn’t be her, could it? With that awful, awful collection of CD’s that there really should be a law against producing. I looked up to see where it was coming from and saw a light in what I now knew to be the guestroom. The window was open just a crack and the curtains were moving in the light breeze. I half expected to see a blonde head moving past the window but didn’t dare to hope. Instead I stood frozen for a long time, waiting, rationalizing, thinking, wondering but above all avoiding whatever situation would be brought on from this. It didn’t have to be her, I told myself. Most likely it was, but Ruby had seemed so goddamned honest I was beginning to think I had temporarily gotten my mind back from breaking and entering the house, only to now be losing it again. Either way, I was not going to get pet-poop all over me! I spotted a small plastic toy truck in the corner of the sandbox and lo and behold – it was entirely filled with tiny stones! I felt a grin spread across my face as I grabbed a handful of the truck’s precious cargo and went back to stand below the lit window. I was about to hurl one of the pebbles at the glass separating me from who I thought was the reason I was here in the first place but hesitated. I certainly hadn’t planned on finding her here, but that in itself posed as an odd thought. Why wouldn’t she be here? It made sense! Why hadn’t the thought even struck me before? Of course this was where she’d be!! The first stone went sailing through the air and hit the window with a loud tap. I waited but nothing happened. I tossed another one with the same result. The third stone flew from my hand the second before I saw a shadow move behind the curtain. The window opened in the same instant as the pebble was meant to hit the glass. With the see-through barrier now removed, it naturally hit the shadow square in the face and an audible “Ouwwww” was heard over the relentless sound of crickets in the fading light of dusk. It was not the voice I was expecting to hear and instantly I felt every limb in my body go cold. I looked desperately for a place to hide but seeing none I simply crouched where I stood and covered my head with my arms, as if that would help, hoping that my now smaller form would obscure me at least a little bit from whoever I had just hit in the face. “She’s on her way out,” the voice groaned and I detected a hint of Ruby’s uncharacteristic lull, even though it was muffled. So she is here! I thought as I cautiously stood back up again, my eyes never leaving the retreating form in the window until it was gone. I soon found something else to focus on as a whirlwind of baggy clothes and fair hair was all I could make out on the short person stepping out from the house and running toward me. She slammed into me and at once we were a tangle of arms fighting for closeness. With a next to fraught clinging to each other, the desperate need to feel the other’s presence was evident, hands clutching at whatever they could get a hold of in order to close every possible distance between us. It was the most intense hug I had ever experienced. It’s a cliché, sure, but time seemed to slow down. All I felt and was aware of was the body I had come to be so familiar with, the scent of her skin and hair and perfume and the unbelievable sensation of ‘right’. I couldn’t find her face soon enough to kiss her and everything seemed to disappear as her lips eagerly met mine. We were reacting on pure instinct and there was no way in hell I was ever going to let go of her again! Of course, I didn’t have a say in the matter, it seemed as no sooner had I sought entry to her mouth with my tongue than she efficiently broke the kiss and pushed me away. I stumbled backwards a few steps as she came after me with a menacing finger pointed at my chest. “What are you doing?” I asked, slightly bewildered as her initial happiness to see me now had changed into something very, very different. Again I felt arrogant for thinking something I did could or would drive her to such lengths as harming herself but it couldn’t be helped – I was relieved beyond reason that she was alright and wanted to tell her just that, but she didn’t give me a chance. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she retorted with something close to a snarl. Okay, she’s pissed. That’s understandable after what I did, I figured. I held my hands out as a way to keep her from coming at me but she was boiling mad. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew an apology was probably in order, but at the same time, she did not appear to be able to take one, let alone accept it right now. Searching for a conversation-starter, I stated my true business here. “Finding you! Nobody knows where you are!” “How thoughtful of you!” she fumed. “I’m sure the world misses me.” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to say something. “Some of it does,” I replied, suddenly not really wanting her to know I very much included myself in that part yet. She snorted at me and came after me again but not to hurt me, I was grateful to find out. Instead she grabbed my arm and pulled me across the grass and around the house out to the sidewalk and down the street. She didn’t say anything so I followed along in silence. She didn’t stop until we were close to the park I had seen earlier. Guess she wanted privacy, if not from the few occupants moving about there then at least from the people close to Ruby’s house. It made me suspect she would get loud during what surely was the impending argument and didn’t want the audience of Ruby’s parents. And I was right. We stood under a large oak tree and for a short moment she let the explosion build before unleashing it on me. “Why are you here?” she literally boomed out. Where a small body like hers got such a resonance, I had to wonder. “What do you want? Come to gloat? Hmm?? What are you doing here?” I took a short step away from her trying to convey myself as a none threat, but she wouldn’t have it. “How did you even find me? Are you following me? What kind of a sick, twisted person are you?” The questions hailed out from her and I got the impression they were coming straight from her soul. I tried to remember her first query in order to answer it, but she continued. “What makes you think you have a right to even be here? Did I ask you to find me? Did I somehow convince you I needed saving? Is that why you’re here?” I could only stand back and listen. I felt my head shaking slowly from side to side as I tried to get closer again without having her move away but she turned around a few times, almost spinning in circles where she stood. She took a brief pause but it wasn’t long enough for me to think of anything to say. Damn, I wish I had been better prepared! But I did notice during that short-lived break that her tongue stuck out momentarily before she sucked in her bottom lip as her eyes traveled very decisively to my mouth and she let out a breath quite forcefully. As if catching herself doing something forbidden she instantly looked away and continued. “In case you don’t remember, you left me!” She pointed at me while staring at the ground. “You have no claim on me, if that’s what you think!” Again I just shook my head and took a short step closer. How the hell do I make this right? I wondered. Instead of speaking and risking saying the wrong thing, I observed her quietly. She was breathing heavily and once again, when she turned back to me, her eyes focused on my lips rather than any other part of my body. I saw a mix of feelings on her face despite her gallant attempts at showing nothing but anger. There was anger there, yes. A great deal of it too, but there was also sadness and a hint of guilt. The emotions took turns in showing themselves, seamlessly flowing into one another. But what was most noticeable was lust! Unmistakable, raw and genuine lust! That I had not previously seen in her face and this new look on her sent jolts through my body that I was exceptionally ill-equipped to deal with at this moment. An image flashed through my mind where I grabbed her by the arms, pressed her hard against the nearest solid object and devoured her completely. Hands roaming and lips searching… Craving to touch her everywhere I could, preferably all at the same time. The thought left me slightly weak in the knees and as she once again spun around on the spot, trying unsuccessfully to unfix her gaze from me, I realized that she doubtlessly had a very similar thought in mind. As we stood in our dazed standstill, her neither asking questions nor presently demanding any answers, I saw a tiny shimmer of fear glint in her eyes. It was only a guess but maybe she felt was I was feeling too; the knowledge that if either of us turned and left right this second, we wouldn’t come back. I certainly didn’t need the drama. I astonished myself when I realized that I simply wanted it. With all that it entailed. I wanted her!
* * *
A very long time had passed when I finally trusted myself to speak again. It was now dark out and the streetlights were the only source of illumination around us. I had somewhat hoped for a full, yellow moon to hang low in a black, starry sky with thin slivers of foggy clouds shrouding it’s form. Just like in the movies, but to my disappointment, it was not a beautiful night. It was cold, cloudy and a faint drizzle had begun to fall, making the streets gleam with reflected lights from houses and passing cars. With the protection of the mighty tree crown hovering above us, we were still mostly dry; apart form the dampness clinging to our clothes from the light mist that had settled in the nearby park. “I’m sorry,” I said barely above my breath, hoping she would take it for what it was and allow me to apologize for the way things had ended two weeks ago. There were lots of things that didn’t make much sense to me regarding my own behavior toward both S… Erin... and the situation at hand. I'm gonna get that name right if it kills me! With our two months, she held the record for keeping my attention the longest time in a relationship. I wasn’t the bonding type, never had been, but when she came along and started saying the cutest things that just made me smile… I had been lost. Lost to her domain… and I didn’t particularly want to leave it anytime soon. I hadn’t known that back at the hospital but two weeks is a long time to think when you’re not used to it. Adding the sleepless nights, the space-outs at work, you know – the usual stuff, there were a lot of hours where I had just been unreachable to the outside world. I looked over at her where she sat on the curb a few feet away from me. She didn’t look back and maybe that was for the best. We hadn’t said anything to each other since that little vision interrupted my already troubled mind and as an alternative we had just sat there. I don’t know about her, but I definitely needed to cool off before I did something rash that might have destroyed the last bit of communication we had. If things just worked out tonight, there would be time to act on those impulses later. But OH MY GOD, it was hard not to just jump her bones!! I was NOT going to get any sleep tonight, regardless of the turn of events here. “What are you sorry for?” I heard her say, the insecurity written clearly in her voice. She needed to hear that it wasn’t just for asking her to leave, but for everything. I wasn’t completely over the fact that she had kept this from me for so long, but what can you do? If it was one thing I had learned from growing up with CJ, it was that every story has at least three sides. The way you see it, the way the other person sees it and the way it really happened. Somehow, the occasional visit from a smalltime crook in need of my brother’s hacking-skills had made me pick up on that. I had also figured out that there was absolutely nothing you could do about the truth. You could only change the way you yourself saw something and by doing so, you might be able to give the other person a different viewpoint. Not changing anything for them, but giving them the chance to look at it differently. So, I chose to ignore my personal issues and thereby the problems she had caused with her actions. I told her my bit, the way I saw it and what I planned to do about it, if she’d let me. “Do you mean that?” she asked and this time she did look at me. “Yes, I do,” I said with no hesitation. “You had your reasons for not telling me and that’s something we can only work on together, but as far as what I can do alone,” I paused to gather what I hoped was the right words. “I can forgive you, no questions asked, and then only show you that you can trust me with stuff.” Yeah, I know. ‘Stuff’ might not be a brilliant word but it suited my purposes just fine and she got what I meant. “What you choose to do with that is up to you.” I let that linger in the air for a while, wanting her to know that I meant what I said but also that some of the things here could only be resolved by her hand. She nodded slightly, looking to the asphalt briefly before reaching out her hand to clasp mine. She didn’t say anything at first, just sat there, watching our fingers entwine as if to test if I would flee at the touch, thereby checking the authenticity of my words. I squeezed gently, drawing a faint smile from her. We sat like that, holding hands cautiously without further spoken words or exchanged glances, until we noticed almost all houses across the street stood dark and quiet. It was as if we were in a protective bubble and in fear of bursting it refraining from addressing anything that could potentially hide a sharp edge. It was with a tentative, unsure step, but it was in the right direction, that we finally stood and made a tacit promise to each other that we would have time to continue this reconnection to each other. And with that, we said a somber, yet nice ‘good night’ and went our separate ways.
Ginger was cleaning a table a few booths away from where I was. She had been doing that for some time now and I wondered just how much cleaner it could really get. There were no other people in the diner besides us and the chef out in the kitchen and I hadn’t proved to be very conversational at all so far. Though I doubted she would have made much of a listener if I had been. I had been sitting in my usual spot, the corner booth, with my back against the wall so that I could face the diner and see the front doors. Almost an hour had passed and I had not been able to even sip the milkshake that stood in front of me on the table. She had said she’d be here. Granted, I should say that there was still twenty minutes left till the actual time we had agreed on, so I couldn’t very well be upset with anyone but myself for my sore backside! These seats were not comfortable! Ginger made her way over to me and gestured as if asking to take away the melted chocolate shake and upon closer inspection, I found it looked quite disgusting. And where is my cherry?! The waitress must have seen and understood my unspoken question as she answered it while taking the tall glass and holding it in front of my face. “They sink,” she said and wiggled the glass a little to emphasize the very runny slosh inside it. “Oh.” I nodded and looked in dismay at the array of mucky colors blending and merging when Ginger’s feat caused the straw to stir. “Can I get ye somethin’ else, love?” she asked and walked away wordlessly when I shook my head no. The endearment was one she seldom used. In fact, I could only ever remember her saying anything nice when she thought no one else was around to hear it. That’s not to say I was surprised to hear it now though. She had used it several times in the years I had known her. Well, however well you can know someone when your time together consists mostly of ‘waitress serving hungry customer’. To most, she was a force to be reckoned with, especially with that spatula she carried with her everywhere. It was a relic from her early days here, I had been told. Back in the day when she claimed to have been a looker and the utensil had been her only means of self-defense against patrons a little too touchy-feely. She had soon become known for her response to someone taking her ‘services’ for something they weren’t and she had subsequently been left alone by most from then on. Then there were those that liked the idea of being hit with a spatula but she had a trick for them too. Yup. The good old ‘spit in their food’-technique. Some caught on and as a way of mutual agreement – she would stop if they did. The few that didn’t get the hint experienced a less subtle change in the menu. Namely lots and lots of salt and pepper. On everything. Even desert. Sometimes, it’s the little things that work best. The familiar sound of the bell announced someone coming through the door and ended my reminiscence. I looked up and yes indeed, it was my someone. She had her hair in a ponytail, the trademark black jeans and band t-shirt on. She gave a nod to Ginger who seemed genuinely happy to see her. Cuteness personified, was all I could think I stood up when she came over but in the wake of last night’s encounter our hug was quick and awkward. As we sat, so was the silence. She at last broke the quiet. “What now?” To me, she was everything I wasn’t, a complete opposite of myself. I couldn’t imagine her seeing anything different from that in me and I grasped at that moment that the one single common interest we seemed to share was each other. Why else had I come here? Why else had she? If we were truly such different people as it seemed, what the hell were we doing here if not for simply wanting each other? “We work it out, I guess,” was all I could say.
* * *
I had to respect her silence. It was a great deal easier to deal with than a bunch of excuses or explanations. We’ve already covered my feelings on the issue so there’s no need to rehash them just for the sake of it, is there…? “Please, don't go...” she pleaded. Yes… Pleaded. I found that highly interesting considering she was the one holding the aces here. “Why not?” “Because if you leave, I just want to sit here and die,” she said, not looking up. “Bad choice of words, I know, but you’re the only reason I’m still breathing.” I was intrigued. “How so?” She cast a quick glance my way but didn’t let her eyes settle. “You know why.” “No I don't!” I exclaimed and charged back to her. “All I know is that you tried to kill yourself. Not 'why' and certainly not why you didn't try again!” I was shouting and even though I didn’t really care who heard me, I could see her relief that no one was around as she quickly searched the diner for other people with reddening cheeks. “I know I'm the one who didn't want to talk to you after the thing in the hospital so I'm just as much to blame here but you could have told me, Erin! You could have told me anything!” Fancy that! I got the name right! I mentally patted myself on the back for that one. Her eyes shifted from everywhere to everything before she softly said, “Guess I just always wanted to see you again...” At that point she looked straight at me and I could just about have melted on the spot. “Why wouldn't you have?” I asked but her lack of verbal response let the comment sink in. “Oh, right... Because I'd push you away...” I had proven her point all by myself and the comprehending of that made me back up until I had my back to the counter. “I don't know,” she shook her head. “You made me feel… good. I didn't want to lose that.” I propped myself up on one of the tall stools. “So in some weird way, you're addicted to me?” It may have been a half-assed attempt at humor from my part but her reply positively reeked of sincerity. “Maybe...” She shrugged as she said it but I felt that single word cut right through me and embed itself in my heart. Here we go again with the mushy stuff! There was an unusual feeling rolling around in my stomach and had I actually had the milkshake I would have been absolutely certain that it had something to do with it. Now, looking at the person who was surely responsible, I almost laughed at the absurdity of my situation. Who in their right mind would have ever thought that I, of all people, would be getting the tingles just from talking with someone? It wasn’t the first time I’ve ever felt like that when she was around, don’t get me wrong… But we had never had a real fight before. Usually, I was long gone before a fight even could happen and by being that way I had efficiently kept myself out of trouble’s way. And apparently I had been missing out on some things in the meantime. Yeah. I liked her, alright. Of course, I had known that for a while, but me being me – I think I must have misinterpreted things. It’s easy to like someone when there are no ‘issues’ to think about, quite another, especially for me, to still like someone after a problem has reared its head. As far as I’m concerned, it had so far been unheard of. But there still was one thing I had to know before we could go any further. I couldn’t let myself be carried away without knowing. That was the whole reason for this meet-up. I couldn’t possibly continue this without full disclosure! “So that's the 'why not'...” I said warily. “What's the 'why'?” She didn’t say anything. Instead she let her eyes drop to her hands where she began studying her nails. I could tell she was trying hard not to let something show, but just a smidgen of a hint clued me in on her body shivering slightly. I got off the stool and kneeled before her, taking her hands in mine. “What happened to you, Erin?” I asked making a point of using her name and hoping it would make her look at me. “I don't think you'd understand...” she said almost inaudibly. “Explain to me then! Why won’t you talk to your parents?” She promptly looked up at me from our joined hands with a shocked expression on her face. “Yeah,” I said. “I’ve figured out it has something to do with them.” When she didn’t say anything, I continued, “The least of all things - they deserve to know you didn't die in the fire!” She averted her eyes and pulled her hands free. “I don't care what they think happened to me. They don't deserve to know!” Taken aback by the sudden change in her demeanor and with my own family history, I guess I jumped the gun a bit. “At least you have parents!” I barked. “Maybe you don't know how lucky you are!” and with that I stood and walked away. I had my hand on the door handle, ready to leave the diner, and her if I had to, when her voice came through my jumbled thoughts. “I was six. The last time I cried.” I stopped, but remained with my hand on the handle, ready to bolt. “Before I met you, anyway...” she continued. I had to close my eyes to fight back tears I had no idea where they came from. They threatened to spill over but I managed to push them back and keep them at bay. The next words out of her mouth had me turning around to face her. I saw then that she hadn’t moved. She still sat in our booth, looking at her hands again. “It was at my brother's funeral.” “You had a brother?” Yeah! I’m clever like that! I heard what she said and figured out that ‘had’-business all on my own and still had to ask… Way to be sensitive, Alley! “Yeah... I did.” “What happened?” “He was sick. Had been for a very long time. At the service, they told me to shut up and sit still. To stop embarrassing him...” I could see a tear streaking down her face, but she didn’t seem to notice it fall. “All the time while I was growing up, they blamed me.” “He was sick! It wasn't your fault...” If someone were to write a ‘what to say’-dictionary for these kinds of times, I would be first in line to get it! “They didn't think so. He needed bone marrow and they could only use mine… It didn’t work.” “That’s still not your fault! How could you think that?” I found myself feeling very uncomfortable being so far away from her at that moment. “Because of the way they looked at me... Like the wrong child died...” She was ineffectively trying not to let more tears fall. “It's okay to cry...” I said, feeling very lost in what to do. “No one told me that...” I couldn’t decide whether I should go to her or not. I wanted to, but didn’t know if she would have me. The fear of rejection made me stay by the door, where I wasn’t in her personal space and also out of a shove’s way. “For years I just kept it all inside, no matter why I was sad, I never let anyone see...” she shook her head as if in disbelief. “Couldn't have me shaming the family, now could I?” A short laugh brought more tears to defy her efforts. “Suggesting that an Admiral of the Canoe Club can’t handle her own daughter…? No, that simply would not do...” she finished in a semi-sing-song voice before finally giving in momentarily and letting out a sob. The Canoe Club?? I searched my mind for what she could mean. Oh, yeah!! Navy-brat, I remembered. “Is that why...?” I tried to ask, and she looked at me as if she understood the question. “...why you... tried to...” I trailed off again. “It became too much,” she said. “Couldn't hold it inside anymore. All the looks from relatives. The pity for our loss... it went on for years without me being ‘allowed’ to grieve at all.” “Do you really think it would have solved anything? If you had succeeded, I mean?” She shrugged with a sad laugh. “Would have for me. Didn't care much what happened to them afterwards. 'As long as it wasn't suicide'...” She made little quotation-marks with her fingers. “What do you mean?” “There are many ways a person's death can bring disgrace to a family,” she said with a sigh. “Suicide is on top of that list. I didn't want that to tarnish my brother's memory... Gods, I was so screwed up!” She buried her face in her hands and leaned forward. I couldn’t tell if she was laughing or crying at this point. ‘Uncomfortable’ be damned! It was torture to be this far away from her. So I did the only thing I knew how – saved myself. And no, I didn’t leave if that’s what you think. I just went back to her, where I felt better, and where I hoped I could make her feel better too. I started to move my hand toward her face, wanting to touch it and have those beautiful green eyes look at me, but I stopped a small ways from her, not sure if she’d have me. “Was?” I inquired hopefully instead. “I'd like to think so...” she said, indeed looking at me and bringing her own hand up to press mine against her cheek, allowing the caress. “You're better now,” I stated, not questioning. “I hope so.” “You are...” I found her arms and pulled her up from the seat, wrapping her up as best I could with myself and just held her. There was no place I’d rather be and this hug was my best way of telling her that. Internally I wondered how the hell I could have been on my way out of here just moments before. Then another question hit me. “Why does Ruby have a sandbox in her yard?”
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~ THE END ~
Thank you for reading! Want this to be a trilogy? Comments and/or feedback welcome at vilia@stockholm.com
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